In 1964, psychiatrist Eric Berne published Games People Play, a fascinating look at common human behaviors. He argued that people often engage in repetitive, unconscious social interactions he called games, to avoid true intimacy, dodge responsibility, justify or validate a distorted worldview.
Despite what seems to be self-destructive behavior, the player receives some payoff at the end of the game. This payoff isn’t a positive thing, but a psychological “hit” that reinforces a person’s negative beliefs. Games always end with participants feeling bad.
At work, these games are productivity killers. As a manager, you might find yourself trapped in such loops without even realizing it. Recognizing the “payoff” is the first step toward authentic leadership.
Game Example
There are many games described in the book. Let’s look at the one called “Ain’t It Awful.”
In this game, two or more people bond by complaining about a common grievance. Whether it’s the government, the younger generation, health issues, or a mutual acquaintance. The goal isn’t to find a solution to the problem, but rather to enjoy the shared satisfaction of being victims of an unfair world.
The payoff: players get to feel a sense of moral superiority or “blamelessness” by focusing on how bad things are.
The bond: it provides a way for people to pass time and feel connected without the risk of true intimacy.
If someone tries to offer a solution or points out a silver lining during this game, the players will usually become annoyed or ignore the suggestion, as a solution would actually ruin the game by taking away their reason to complain!
While “Ain’t It Awful” is a social bond, the following games are more predatory or defensive in a management context.
1. The “Why Don’t You – Yes, But” Game (WDYYB)
This is a common game in the office. A manager presents a problem to their team or to a consultant.
The hook: “We really need to reduce the number of bugs. Any ideas?”
The trap: every time a subordinate suggests a viable solution, the manager counters with, “Yes, but that wouldn’t work because…”
The payoff: the manager isn’t actually looking for a solution. They are looking to prove that the problem is unsolvable, thereby absolving themselves of the failure to fix it.
2. The “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch” Game (NIGYSOB)
This game is played by managers who lead through “gotcha” moments rather than guidance.
The hook: the manager provides vague instructions for a high-stakes project.
The trap: they patiently wait in the background, ignoring minor errors until the project is nearly finished. Then, they pounce on a specific mistake with disproportionate rage.
The payoff: it allows the manager to vent accumulated frustrations and feel morally superior, justifying their lack of support by labeling the employee as “incompetent.”
3. The “If It Weren’t For You” Game (IWFY)
This is one of the classic games of the restricted leader.
The hook: a manager complains constantly about their “unskilled” team, “difficult” boss, or “bureaucratic” HR.
The trap: they claim that if it weren’t for these external anchors, they would be an executive by now.
The payoff: protection from the fear of actual performance. By blaming others for their lack of progress, they never have to test whether they actually have what it takes to succeed.
4. The “Blemish” Game
A favorite of the perfectionist micromanager.
The hook: a team member delivers a stellar strategic plan.
The trap: the manager ignores the brilliance of the strategy and fixates entirely on a single typo on page 14.
The payoff: by finding the “blemish,” the manager maintains a position of dominance and avoids feeling intimidated by the subordinate’s actual talent.
5. The “Stupid” Game
This is the game of strategic incompetence.
The hook: a manager consistently makes silly mistakes, forgets key deadlines, or acts confused by fundamental pieces of information.
The trap: they lean on their team to “just handle it this time,” forcing subordinates to take over their high-level responsibilities to avoid a department-wide failure.
The payoff: the manager avoids the pressure of performing their actual duties. By playing Stupid, they lower everyone’s expectations of them, ensuring they are never blamed for big failures because no one expected much anyway.
6. The “Kick Me” Game
This is the game of the professional martyr.
The hook: a manager consistently makes choices they know will lead to criticism, like missing an important meeting or publicly disagreeing with an executive decision already made.
The trap: they act as though they are “just being honest” or “too busy for politics,” essentially walking around with a “Kick Me” sign on their back, waiting for a superior to reprimand them.
The payoff: when they inevitably get “kicked” (reprimanded or passed over for a promotion), they achieve the payoff of self-pity. It reinforces their worldview that “no one appreciates a hard worker like me” or “this company is out to get me.”
7. The “See What You Made Me Do” Game (SWYMMD)
This is the ultimate game of deflecting accountability.
The hook: a direct report makes a small, fixable error, like forgetting to CC one person on an email.
The trap: instead of a calm “Adult” correction (i.e., giving feedback), the manager reacts with disproportionate rage, shouting, or slamming a laptop shut.
The payoff: by framing their outburst as a direct result of the employee’s incompetence, the manager avoids feeling guilty for not being able to deliver feedback or for losing their temper. They flip the narrative so the victim of the shouting feels responsible for the shouter’s behavior. It sounds like: “I wouldn’t have to yell if you just did your job right the first time!”
8. The “Look How Hard I’ve Tried” Game (LHHI)
This is the game of the ineffective workaholic.
The hook: a manager is clearly overwhelmed, staying late every night and sending emails at 11:00 PM, yet projects are still failing.
The trap: when confronted about a missed deadline, they point to their exhaustion and long hours as a shield. They invite you to see their struggle.
The payoff: they aren’t seeking success – they are seeking absolution. If the project fails, they can say, “Well, it wasn’t for lack of effort!” It protects them from being judged on their actual competence or efficiency.
9. The “I’m Only Trying to Help You” Game (ITHY)
The favorite game of the interfering micromanager.
The hook: a manager offers support or mentorship that was never requested, often taking over a subordinate’s task under the guise of helping them learn.
The trap: when the employee inevitably feels smothered or frustrated, the manager acts wounded.
The payoff: the manager gets to feel morally superior and indispensable. If the employee succeeds, the manager takes the credit (“I helped them get there”), and if the employee fails, the manager can sigh and say, “I did my best, but some people just won’t be helped.”
10. The “Let’s You and Him Fight” Game (LYAHF)
This is the game of the triangulating office gossip.
The hook: a manager mentions to Employee A that Employee B was “concerned” about A’s recent performance, then tells B that A is “frustrated” with B’s lack of input.
The trap: the manager steps back and watches the two employees clash or compete, often acting as the “neutral mediator” between them.
The payoff: by keeping the team in a state of horizontal conflict, the manager remains the sole source of power and information. It ensures the team is too busy fighting each other to ever question the manager’s own leadership.
11. The “Wooden Leg” Game
This is the game of the excuse-maker.
The hook: the manager constantly brings up a limitation – their lack of formal training, their old-school personality, or a past bad experience with a specific client.
The trap: they use this limitation as a universal “Get Out of Jail Free” card. “What do you expect from a manager who didn’t grow up with this technology?”
The payoff: it sets a low bar for their performance. By convincing everyone and themselves that they have a metaphorical “wooden leg,” they never have to try to “walk” as well as the other leaders.
Breaking the Script – Stopping the Game
The danger of these games is that they are dishonest. They use “ulterior transactions” – where the social message (what is said) hides a psychological message (what is meant) – to achieve a hidden agenda. This leaves teams confused, demotivated, and drained.
To stop the cycle, you must move from a game player to an adult leader. Here is how:
1. Awareness – Identify Your Payoff
The next time you feel a familiar sense of frustration, smugness, or “righteous” anger, ask yourself: What is the payoff here? Am I trying to avoid responsibility? Am I trying to prove someone else is incompetent?
If you can identify the “hit” of satisfaction you get from the conflict, you can choose to find that satisfaction through actual results instead.
2. Cross the Transaction
In Transactional Analysis, games continue as long as the other person gives the expected response. The player starts from either a Parent or Child ego state, and to end the game, you must provide a response from a different “ego state”, usually the Adult.
If they play “Yes, But”: stop offering advice. Cross the transaction by saying, “I’ve given you several ideas that don’t seem to fit. What do you see as the next step?” You have now shifted the responsibility back to them.
If they play “Blemish”: don’t get defensive. Acknowledge the minor error and redirect to the core. “Thanks for catching that typo. Now, looking at the strategy itself, what is your feedback on the projected ROI?”
3. Adopt the “I’m OK – You’re OK” Stance
This is the ultimate goal of healthy leadership. It is a position of mutual respect where you assume that both you and your team are capable, responsible, and acting in good faith.
Avoid “Parent” scripts: stop using phrases like “In my day…” or “A real professional would…” (The Critical Parent).
Avoid “Child” reactions: stop responding with “It’s not my fault” or “I’ll try” (The Adapted Child).
Speak “Adult to Adult”: focus on the here-and-now. Use facts, ask open-ended questions, and treat your team as partners in a mission rather than characters in your personal drama.
4. Foster “Intimacy” (Authenticity)
Berne argued that people play games to avoid the risk of true intimacy. In a professional sense, “intimacy” means radical transparency. It’s the ability to say: “I’m worried about this project’s timeline, and I need your honest input on how we can fix it,” without any hidden agendas or “gotcha” moments.
Level Up Your Leadership
We unconsciously play games in all aspects of life. If you were to read “Games People Play”, you’d recognize many of the described games and examples. Some are your own favorite games, and some you take part in.
Awareness is only the beginning. Setting true psychological safety and transitioning from a game player to a leader requires deconstructing years of psychological and social programming.
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